Uuuuff, mil tiempo que no escribía aquí. Hasta se me había olvidado que existía este blog, será porque durante un buen tiempo fui muy, pero muy feliz.... no lo sé.
Sólo sé que ahora siento la necesidad de escribir otra vez.
...me fui al norte y me enamoré hasta las patas...como nunca (a pesar que siempre digo lo mismo, jaja. Ninguno de mis novios puede sentirse más importante que otro por que a todos los he amado).
Lo pasé bastante bien y a pesar de que siempre estuve consciente de que era una relación equivocada y sabía exactamente cómo iba a terminar, me adentré en las arenas movedizas del amor...
..tanto así que al poco tiempo hablabamos de irnos a vivir juntos a cualquier parte y hasta decidimos tener un hijo (cosa que yo nunca me había planteado, no era tema para mí) y fue así como en un acto de amor me embaracé!
Cuando lo supe me cagué de susto, por que es una tremenda responsabilidad que no sabía si podía asumir ya que apenas me hago cargo de mi, pero en fin. El Jose estaba tan feliz que eso me calmó y entendí que era algo demasiado lindo.
...pero me duró una semana!
así es, supe que estaba embarazada un día sábado y al siguiente sábado estaba entrando a urgencias con síntomas de pérdida y más tarde a pabellón.
Fue horrible por que ni siquiera me había atrevido a contarle a mi mamá que estaba embarazada y me vi de pronto en un pabellón con una mascarilla por donde me anestesiaban y sentí miedo de no despertar jamás sin haberme despedido de mi mamá.
Pero desperté y con más pena que nunca, lo único que hacía en esos días era llorar y el Jose me contenía por teléfono ya que estabamos a 3000 kilómetros de distancia.
Seguí trabajando y con el incondicional apoyo de mis amigos logré pasar esa gran pena, le conté a mi mamá que lloró conmigo y estuve con el Jose otra vez llorando pero ahora en sus brazos.
A pesar de lo que pasó, seguimos con nuestros planes de vivir juntos, pero decidimos que sería en Santiago y yo un buen día agarré mis cosas y partí. Él me seguiría más tarde.
...Ese día nunca llegó y a mi me ofrecieron una pega en Coyhaique así que partí y eso fue lo que terminó de gatillar nuestra ruptura.
Pasamos de llamarnos a medianoche en medio de llantos y te amos a culparnos por habernos abandonado (en este caso era yo la que había abandonado) estabamos muy mal. Tanto que yo, que nunca he estado dispuesta a dejar nada por amor, estaba decidida a
dejar todo e irme con el al norte que no me gusta, pero estaría con él. Pero el Jose no quiso por que sabía que era un tremendo sacrificio para mí y me tendría a su lado pero puteando too el rato.
Como había pasado una semana de puro llanto, le aconsejé ir a carretear, pero se lo tomó muy en serio y se destapó con todo ...con maraca incluida.
Sentí que iba a morir de pena, ya que no sólo se metió con ella curado sino que además, decidió terminar conmigo porque estaba confundido.
Traté por todas las formas de salvar nuestra relación, pero no hubo caso.
Nuevamente mis amigos me contuvieron y me refugié en la pega, el gimnasio y la piscina que me hizo demasiado bien.
A pesar de no querer seguir conmigo me seguía llamando y yo una y otra vez le dije q no volviera a llamarme, pero llamaba.
Finalmente, decidí no contestarle más, nunca más. Después de haberme dado cuenta que llamaba sólo para saber cómo estaba y no para decir que estaba arrepentido ni mucho menos pedir perdón y sobre todo que esa "maraca" ya no era la mina de un carrete sino SU mina.
Cuando vi una foto de ellos dos sentí que me desmayaba y unas ganas de vomitar terribles.... nunca me había pasado algo así. Recordé una escena de "El amor en tiempos de cólera" en que el protagonista llega vomitando de puro amor.
En fin, cerré el capítulo con mucho dolor ya que no valía la pena.
Pero aún así el Jose seguía llamando sabiendo que ya no le contestaba, incluso llamaba de otros números para que le pudiera contestar y al escuchar su voz.... adivinen qué.... Le cortaba!.
Pero ahora han pasado un poco más de 5 meses y volvió a llamar. Esta vez decidí contestarle para que de una vez se aburra. Hablamos como una hora.
Dijo que estaba consciente de haber cometido el error más grande de su vida, que está arrepentido y que aún me ama.
....ahora?
...y de qué mierda me sirve ahora?
...ahora que ya no siento nada por él... y menos mal porque lo que me contó después es peor
Le pregunté que pasaba con esa "maraca" y cada vez que mencionaba esa palabra sentía que le dolía en el alma por su silencio, después entendí por qué.
No me quiso contar, pero insistí y me dijo q habían estado saliendo un tiempo, pero que ya no por que él no podía dejar de pensar en mí (iluso). Después dijo:"...déjame terminar de contarte". La historia se ponía peor ya que según él la UNICA vez que se acostaron ella quedó embarazada (debe estar bien creido que soy weona).
El punto es que ahora está destruido porque no quiere a ese hijo, sino que quiere a MI hijo.
Cómo me puede decir algo así después de todo lo que pasó?
Cómo me puede decir algo así después de todo lo que sufrí?
Cómo puede pensar que lo puedo perdonar?
Ahora?
Ahora que me lloré hasta la última lágrima y mientras tanto él estuvo durante todo este tiempo con ella??
Según él ya no están juntos, pero eso de qué me sirve?
En verdad no entiendo nada, sólo sé que en un principio me alegré de que esto estuviera pasando por que bien dentro de mí esperaba el día en que me pidiera perdón, pero jamás pensé que ese día llegaría.
Me puse feliz, pero duró poco, ahora tengo una angustia terrible y ni siquiera me puedo concentrar en la pega. Si hasta hace un rato estaba tiritando y en este momento lo único que necesito es un abrazo que me contenga
martes, septiembre 01, 2009
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32 comentarios:
Grax
vaya, vaya. Como que leyendo todo dan ganas de decirte que des vuelta esta página, porque el tío ese como que no está bien enfocado. Lo bueno es que ya que lo cuentas por aquí, es como una vía de desahogo que siempre ayuda.
Cuídate mucho. Y cuántas cosas te han pasado. Tienes harta historia que contar.
Un gusto pasar a verte ;)
Varias cosas:
"se destapó con todo ...con maraca incluida" que frase más notable....jajajaajaja lo que me llama la atencion es que tu lo mandaste a carretear, a los leones, existiendo tanta mina suelta y loca por ahí...ajajajaja
lo otro ya fue...a olvidar y listo...sabes porque porque realmente no se querian tanto...ajajajaj q drastico...es q si no eran capaz de hacer un sacrificio por el otro (el irse a vivir a la conchinchina por ejemplo) es porque se valoraban más otras cosas que la relacion en si... yo por ejemplo me iba a ir a vivir a uruguay en agosto del 2007, lo que mas quiero en mi vida es estar siempre en uruguay...ajajaja y conocí a la señorita K en mayo del 2007 y decidi no irme... y... termine casado con la mujer de mi vida... porque era mas importente quedarme que ir... creo...
y lo último nunca hay q meterse en los lios de los demas...pero si lo escriben es porque quieren escuchar opiniones diferentes y pa mi...el tipo es vaca... como dice eso...al final es desubicado...en fin... como digo siempre... "uno sólo debe luchar por ser feliz..."
así que a luchar por eso... tu sabes cual es tu opción correcta e incorrecta...
un abrazo y a ser feliz...
Franco: mi vida da pa escribir un libro o como dice el titulo del post ....una teleserie, pero weno lo importante es que, como dice un amigo mio, tengo una sorprendente capacidad para reinventarme.
bufón: (copié tu forma de responder)lo mande a carretear, no a maraquear!!, pero para ustedes es como lo mismo jajaja, en fin.. se que no vale la pena y agradezco que haya pasado en ese momento y no despues casada y con hijos. respecto de que no nos queriamos tanto...puede ser. y respecto del gran cambio en tu vida... a mi me cuesta creer que los tipos como tu cambien ah jajaja, pero si asi fue me alegro por ti y sobre todo... te felicito, gracias por pasar
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